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14 January, 2009

Reality Check

I've been so caught up these past few months with the idea of going to graduate school, moving abroad and starting a new life that the reality of it all is just hitting me now. And its not a gentle tap on the shoulder, it's a full on slap across the face.

I woke up this morning in a panic, the sheets twisted all around me, applications and pamphlets strewn across the floor. I started thinking of all the details I'd previously filed under the "I'll deal with that later" tab--financial aid, paying off loans, moving costs, acceptance/rejection, application deadlines, test registration deadlines, forms, visas, paperwork, paperwork, paperwork.

Suddenly, images of my strolling through Paris with books in one hand and a baguette in the other are replaced with me sitting in a hole, watching as a papers and deadlines pile on top of me until my vision goes black.

Regrets start to creep in--why didn't I work harder to pay off my debt? why didn't I apply sooner and to more schools? what if I am not accepted anywhere?

It doesn't help that I've been dreaming of moving to Europe for years. YEARS.

I know I should consider the realistic path and stay in Chicago for one more year, pay off all my loans and save for a move abroad. But just when I begin to convince myself that I can handle another year, that it will fly by, I see a photograph of Positano, or read a page from my travel journal and it feels like my heart will literally break into pieces if I stay here any longer.

I know exactly what I want in life, I just don't know how to get it.

4 comments:

Your Momma said...

You said to be nice and leave nice comments....Ask Mer shes the nice one out of our little group...I just have to tell you i'm happy and VERY proud of the decision that you made and i know you made the right one. The smart REALISTIC choice! You (we) can always visit until you move their!!!

JouJou Loves You said...

GO GO GO GO. You will never feel right until you do. Life is not meant to be lived in boxes and doing what is 'realistic'. Life is meant to be lived...to take risks...to EXPERIENCE. You will ALWAYS be okay. Loans...that is just logistics. You want it bad enough, EVERYTHING will fall into place. I was YOU. (I even used to live in Chicago) Until I finally realized that life doesn't wait for things to become 'realistic' ..you make your OWN reality. And I did just that. I packed my bags and moved to Tunisia. Best decision I have ever made. I love it here...I get to take regular trips to Paris, Italy, Spain etc. and am moving to Paris in another year. It is easy because I MADE it easy.

Your heart is trying to tell you something...it is probably SCREAMING at you by now. Your real life is waiting for you.....

Your Friend that CARES and is REALISTIC! said...

DONT YOU DARE DO IT...we've talked about this heif....

Non Je Ne Regrette Rien said...

I agree with Joujou, the longer you put it off...the easier it will be to put it off, to find excuses to put it off ... I'm living proof, I stalled for years.

The only thing you have for certain is this day, this moment. America thrives on dreams deferred, take a risk and go for your dreams.